Really, God, Really?

Dear Ex-boyfriend,

Hey, how ya doing? It was super awesome fun to see you the other day. What's it been 3, 4 years? I know, time flies. Seems like it was just yesterday. What an odd place to run into you. Of all places, the Costco membership counter on a random Saturday. And me being my usual entertaining (annoying) self, bantering with our "Membership Specialist." But really Costco why don't you carry livestock? You have everything else. 

So extra special running into you right after my visit to the hairdresser. Texas High, Aqua Net'd, over large, teased curls- no, no not really a look I go for everyday. Sure hairdresser- you're bored, why not play with my hair, after all I'm only going to get my eyebrows waxed after this and go straight home. No big deal. Oh, you remember getting waxed makes me cry, must be why I wasn't wearing any make-up.

Hey, so nice of you to not turn around and say hi. Not even that cheesy, How ya doing? You look great. So nice to see you prattle most adults engage in when they run into someone they haven't seen for a while. The must keep my back turned and jaw clenched, deliberately not look at someone while catching them out of the corner of my eye thing you do- so much better.

Well at least I didn't have to meet your new girlfriend, although I sure got quite the look at her. Particularly as she all but broke her back in getting the best look at me she could. Between the pointing and the "That's Her!!!!" I can see how you might have missed me.

By the way great job- picking me again. Must have made the choosing process so much easier to walk into a bar and run through the checklist. Blonde hair. Check. Short. Check. Hourglass figure. check. Pale skin. check.-And she looks to be the same age I was when we first got together. Yeah for you. She probably won't casually mention that after ten years of dating, maybe the two of you should think about getting married.

I'm also pretty sure she won't suggest, after having you spend the night, every single night for TWO years, that maybe you should move in together. I know how important having your own space is. (Even though when you finally moved in we could do so in one car load considering everything you owed was ALREADY at my my place.)

Oh, what? Sorry, sorry where was I?

Since we're here, I justed wanted to take a second to thank you, whole hearted. Every single morning I drive by Scandinavian Designs on my way to work and I think of you. Every single morning. I think of how much fun it was to run into you in the parking lot, two weeks before Christmas, when you told me you were out buying Christmas presents.

I was so excited to see you. Come look at this table, don't you think it would work perfectly right next to the bed we'd been sharing for the last ten years. You're always complaining how you don't have anyplace to put a glass.

Only to have to drag your feet and glance back to the Christmas Tree lot right next door. Christmas Tree Lot- well that's odd. We got a Christmas Tree two....weeks.....ago.

What a fantastic way for me to find out you had a new girlfriend. Oh yeah, sorry she wasn't your girlfriend, just someone from work who needed to use your truck. ...and who called you babe. Who's house you promptly moved into.

I should have bought that table. 75% off. Maple. Clean lines.

Anywho we shouldn't let so much time pass this time.

Great to see you.

Love,
Zoe

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A little drop here and a little drop there

Yes Internet, I had a much better week, thank you for asking. Well except for being visited by the water police. What? The water police? You don't have them in your area? Yes, the neighbor called the water police on me.

To be generous I did kinda deserve it. This is the first year I've been in a house with automatic sprinklers. Well automatic sprinklers I was responsible for.

You know that handy dandy little book that comes with the sprinklers? Well, it's just not all that handy. So I experimented. I am a college educated woman. I will figure it out.

OK, what happens when I push this button and this one, and how about this one? Let it run for awhile. Leave to go to the store. Forget the sprinklers are on.

The only problem the developer in my little suburb didn't factor in something important, like gee I don't know- grading. So all the water, instead of sinking into the ground where it belongs, making my grass beautiful and green flows right into the neighbor's pool, which is concidentally happens to lie below ground. Like below, below ground.

Hence the visit by the water police. They suggested rather firmly that I make an appointment with a water conservationist. OR ELSE. I took a morning off work. Which kinda turned out to be a plus. I got to sit in my empty house sipping coffee till they showed. Then they set the system for me. Yeah!!!! Win-win for me. Green grass and the neighbor will no longer have an excuse to lob flaming dog poop over the fence.

Well at least for that reason.

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NO one ever said I was a good parent

I've been thinking a lot about this lately- why don't they have tranquillizer's for children, well teens in particular?

They have them for other animals who aren't even half as scary, like stampeding rhinos or elephants, sharks.

Come on you can't tell me you don't wish for it sometimes? The little angels act perfectly normal and then the asshole button gets pushed. A quick phhfft, shot in the butt and instant time out. Think about it.

Not every discipline technique will work for every child. Some kids (Sorry Parents Magazine) only respond to spankings, some only respond to the threat of being spanked, some to their phone taken away. My kid was the King of the Corner. Ten minutes in the corner and he was a changed kid. Now approaching manhood, no longer is is appropriate to make him stick his nose in the corner but oh who daddy, would I like to sometimes.

So see my solution, a quick tranquillizer dart to the butt. They get a nap in which makes them feel better. I get time to get over the feeling of wanting to push them down the stairs.

See it's a win, win for everyone.

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Cocktail, Stat!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary Internet, I might have have had the most awful day in the existence of bad days. Ever!

Between picking up a piece of metal in my tire, to having to go to the dentist and then off to fix said damaged tire and then to court  all the while drooling and swollen and maybe just a tiny weeny bit dopey on the pain meds the dentist insisted on, it just, the day just, the day...the day....wait let me catch my breath for just a moment.

Okay, I'm calm.

Let me back up and start at the beginning. I arrive home after dropping my little darlings off at that place that keeps them out of my hair for upwards of 6 to 8 hours a day, (God bless modern government and it's whole the masses must be educated decree) only to find a long shiny piece of metal sticking out of my tire. As I'm a spoiled suburban mom, I call a perfectly nice gentleman to come and change my tire. Yes, I know I'm a feminist and really ought to know how but, but...I have no excuse.After a quick 20 minutes (all of which I spent here chatting with you lovely people) bing, bang, bam, done, changed. No muss, no fuss. Insurance covered, so no charge.

I then have to go to the dentist. I've broken my tooth clean in half towards the back, thank you Jesus. Of course the other half must come out. I carefully explain to the darling roly poly Japanese man- I'm a teeny, tiny bit afraid of the dentist. He pats my hand. I make a small Valium joke. He laughs. I whimper. He tells me it'll be fine. Just 5 minutes and a temporary and I'll be on my way. I tear up just a little. No, no I wasn't kidding. Really.Kinda scared, seriously. I got the quit being a baby look.

Well let me tell you Internet, .he's not laughing now. Oh no, next time I make a Valium joke I dare say he might take me just a bit more seriously. He almost cried. He had to excuse himself and leave the room for an entire 10 minutes after my procedure to and I quote "get a grip" before he could come back and pop in a temporary. As for me? I may have had 10 minutes of hysterics in the safety of my car after but really no one saw right?

Then off to get the old tire fixed. Although the tire has a shiny silver object protruding from it's depths, THEY FIXED IT! I tell you, I'm going to have to write one of those Les Schwab is amazing, the king of all tire companies because truly- they are my hero. I bet they would have given me Valium. But anywho I digress. They fixed my tire AT NO CHARGE. Just like they rotate my tires every 5000 miles at no charge. I love this company very, very much and not just because the Vicodin is starting to kick in.

Why is it when doctors/dentists say this isn't going to hurt a bit, it always does?

Then I grab a panicked call from work. Where are you? they cry. Just a clue. I'm not there. At least they cared enough to call even if it was only so I could tell someone how to do something. I've been in that office a little over a month y'all. A month and I'm the go-to-girl. How, just how?

Then off to court. 2 hours of waiting for 5 minutes in front of the judge. Drooling and slurring my words. Thank heavens I wasn't in for a DUI charge.

I have a friend who always says we have these kinds of days so we enjoy the days when everything goes smoothly.

Yes I punched her in the mouth, just for you Internets. Just for you.

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Dot...dot...dot...dot...dot

You've been to a comedy club so you know how the routine goes. If you want even half a chance at a decent seat/don't want to sit in the front row and be heckled by the comedian all night you have stand in line for at least an hour before you even hit the doors. 

Which, if you think about it, is the perfect first date. Forget about watching how the other party treats the waitress...put someone in heels and make them stand still for an hour,  you'll have a pretty good idea as to how he'll treat your mother.

But anywhoo...we stood in line for an hour all decked out in our going-out finery. Nothing quite like the evening look at 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon, false eyelashes and cleavage flying. But it was OK- that area has a serious prostitution problem, so I got offered a fifty to just 'watch' while standing in line to use the bathroom at Starbucks.

I still got it, yeah! Wooo, wooo. Arms in the air, waving like I just don't care.

So we're standing in line and all the sudden something occurs to me. There's an awful lot of little people mulling around. No, not TLC little people but what the hell are you doing in a comedy club little people.  I was trying to be extra careful but in the bathroom I had to give my friend the look. You know the look- like what the hell kinda parent are you to take your kid into a comedy club look? 

I love me some kids just as much as the next person (no, I don't. I'm totally lying) but a comedy club? Even the people on stage are a little taken aback. They look out a little confused Oh...well...kids...hmmm...at....a... comedy club...okay... there goes my joke about a nun, three chipmunks and a jar of nutella. 

I'm exaggerating (color you surprised) all three did great. Nary a curse word escaped the bunch. But enough about inappropriate places to take your kids.

When you go to a comedy club- you're never sure how the first two acts are going to go but I have to tell you I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Tears streaming down my face laughter. 

I've tried to find YouTube of these guys but this was all I could find. Thank God he's cut his hair, much cuter now.

I love comedy clubs. I saw Greg Behrendt do a skit about cake that made me pee my pants back before he hated all women and destroyed their hopes and dreams with his stupid book.

Sometimes you have to do this kinda thing, escape with the girls and just have a great time.

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