>> 26 December 2012
I've been making a choice lately.
For six months I've been making that choice. Head in the sand, foot to the pedal, pedal to the floor, 15 hours a day, six days a week choice. I've chosen to work. Work in the way that men in the fifties used to work. In the way those crazy boys in the early days of Facebook used to work, in the way any owner of a start-up would recognize without my saying the words. With all abandon. With no holding back. By sacrificing. Work and Family. That's it- nothing else. For the last six months.
...and it went by in the blink of an eye.
What's so crazy in all my Yin...I've forgotten how. I've forgotten how to relax, how to write, how to run around the block. How to do nothing but read a book, pet my dog and sit with my kid on the couch. I've forgotten how to just be.
But there's more to life. I think it's time for a little more out of my life.
>> 20 June 2012
So I took the man-child in to get his wisdom teeth removed today. I know, wisdom teeth - big, fat, hairy deal. Everyone does it. Everyone gets their teeth removed. Everyone has a story about it. Why, I was out running laps immediately after. I was down for three days. Dry socket, chipmunk cheeks, broken jaws, numb tongues and on and on and on it goes. Say wisdom teeth at a party- I double dog dare you.
Was he worried- Nah. But then again he's 19- if he was worried would he even tell me? (For those who've never had teens or don't remember what it was like to be a teen. The correct answer here is a resounding NO.)
Was I little nervous?
Ummm Yeah. A little.
Not for the after part. But the putting him under. Yikes. That got my mother's heart racing a little. Yeah. I know he's nineteen. Get a freaking grip already. (I swear not a psycho helicopter parent- I'm not. Well maybe just a teeny, tiny bit but not really.)
Read the warnings. Take the worst of all of the prescription drug commercials and put it all on one form. Now sign here Ms. Right taking sole responsibility in the event that our dentist- not even a real freaking anesthesiologist didn't decide to go out on a huge bender last night and isn't going to accidentally maim or destroy one of the best people you know. And by the way.. that'll be $500. No, you can't make payments.
It's fiction I tell you. Fiction has completely ruined my grip on reality. It's come to the point I expect things to happen strictly to move the story forward. Not necessarily bad things. Just things. A car explosion, a handsome man, a coma. It's always a surprise when nothing happens.
The only good thing about wisdom teeth surgery is how speedy it is. In and out- 45 minutes. Bada, Bing, Bada, Boom and he's being wheeled out to the car higher than a kite, legal drugs clutched in his hot little hands bruised, battered and bloody.
For you parents who have to go through something longer. Because of an illness or accident or desired plastic surgery. You people have my true sympathy. Because 45 minutes- that was about 40 minutes too long.
>> 17 June 2012
It's been a craptastic week, the receive a letter from the IRS type of craptastic week.
So by the time I received the text it should have rolled right off my back. I should have been able to shrug it off. One should reach the point where the awfulness no longer matters. Really, how many hits is one person supposed to take in a week before one becomes numb to such things? Like being stung by a jellyfish in the same spot over and over and over again. Shouldn't you only feel the initial sting?
I was driving on my way to lunch, a car full of coworkers, when I glanced down at the phone. I have to say it robbed me of my breath for a moment. Stole the air from my lungs and actually made me wonder if it was possible to drown on dry land. Did you know that most children drown within 25 yards of their parents? Because we've all been trained by the movies what to look for but “drowning is not the violent, splashing, call for help that most people expect.” The body is so focused on breathing, it can't talk.
My co-worker starred at me quizzically. I had missed a question. I dragged the air back into my lungs and laughed. "Sorry," I say and shrug. "Plans for the weekend," they ask again. It's not unusual in this day of Blackberries and iPhones, to have to repeat the same question, conversation, thought over and over again. No one pays attention anymore. I answer but I could have been telling her my plans were to build a giant superdome in the backyard and name myself queen for all the attention I paid to the answer.
Instead my thoughts were on the text. One I received in error, one I should never have seen. I forwarded it back to the person who had sent it and the person it was from. Closed my phone and went to lunch and tried to forget. Went back to work and tried to forget. Arrived home, poured myself a drink, collapsed boneless into my chair and tried to justify. They didn't mean it that way. It's not the way it sounds.
But it is and I know it is.
What do I do with the information? Do I throw away a 20 year friendship based on some thoughtless words written in the language of today- lmfao? Can I pretend what's happening, isn't really happening? Isn't that what I do with my entire life? Fake it to make it. Fine, everything is fine.
I try. I type out an answer after answer on the small stupid keyboard. But each get erased.
I'm not ready to pretend. So I don't answer. I can't say the words I want.
I can't be shallow with you. I can't be shallow and superficial in this friendship.
Those are the words I want to write.
I know the hurt will go away and I'll forgive. At least I hope so.