Panty Shields Up, Captain!

Riding the Red Roller-coaster, Surfing the Crimson Wave, Visit by Aunt Flo. No matter how you phrase it, getting your period is a beautiful and natural process. Full of dancing and meadows and flowers, white clothes and men on horses..And swimming, lots and lots of swimming.

Right?

I mean for sure it's not all back-breaking cramps, water retention, headaches, an appetite that could take down the Eiffel Tower if only it were made of chocolate, fatigue so strong you lay down in the middle of the train tracks only because you can't make it even one more step. No, not at all. After all just watch any of the 5,000 commercials on TV. Sure I can run a marathon just because I have Tampax with the Easy Glide Applicator. What, can't you?

-And men think women couldn't be president. Honey, if I can get through my monthly and not kill you, I can probably handle this whole Middle East thing just fine

A long winded way of saying I got it, I got it! I got it. Today at work. THANK THE FREAKING Lord, Jebus!!! No, I'm not pregnant. No, there is no way in holy hell I can even be pregnant. Unless that whole impregnated by angels thing is true. Then we're all screwed.

I may have thrust my hands in the air in the public restroom today and shouted a Hallelujah and Thank You Jesus at the top of my lungs today. In the middle of work. Out-loud. Really loud. In a business that only allowed women to join in the last year. Of whom I'm the only one in management.

Forehead slap. Must remember I'm representing my gender. Must remember I'm representing my gender.

Woman Power Fail

But it came back. It came back. After being MIA for over two months. IT CAME BACK! At first I was excited. Like when your kid disappears in the grocery store. You freak out and panic, convinced you’re going to be on the 6 o'clock news and you're not entirely sure you even put on a bra when you left your house. Only to find the kid sitting in the toy aisle. First you're so happy but then you want the shake the little bastard sideways for scaring the bejeezus out of you.

But it was back and brought its second cousins- pain and misery. Oh how I missed you guys

P.S. Coincidentally I may want to punch my teenagers in the face today. Crazy? I know.

Panty Shields Up, Captain!