Save me, please!

So we had this new girl start recently. Well not really a girl considering she's the same age I am. But since I'm only 27 in my head-I'm totally embracing the whole girl bit.

Anyhoodle.

She's a nice person, sweet even - but one of these days, my darlings, you are going to see me on the ten o'clock news and it's going to be because of this girl.

I can picture the video exactly. Me flying across the table with hands outstretched chanting. Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP. 

Why?

All throughout the office we have small bowls of candy- the peppermint kind that restaurants give out. People grab a couple as they go into meetings. Which usually isn't a problem for most people.

I first noticed it last week, sitting next to her during our regular Wednesday sales meeting- started off innocently enough. Just a little bite, suck. Then another bite with the back teeth- loud suck. The a big bite, crunch. Ok, that's annoying, I thought. Followed up a few minutes later with Does she know how bad that is for her teeth? A few minutes after that... What is she 90 years old? Next meeting I sat across the room.

Then I was trapped in a small office with her.

Who knew a single piece of candy could even last that long? I swear to God the meeting lasted 27.5 hours and all I could hear was CHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chompCHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chompCHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chompCHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chompCHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chompCHOMP, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, CHOMP, chomp, chomp, chomp and then it was gone.

I almost wept in relief.

...and then she reached into her pocket.

And pulled out another.

Save me, please!