>> 17 June 2012
It's been a craptastic week, the receive a letter from the IRS type of craptastic week.
So by the time I received the text it should have rolled right off my back. I should have been able to shrug it off. One should reach the point where the awfulness no longer matters. Really, how many hits is one person supposed to take in a week before one becomes numb to such things? Like being stung by a jellyfish in the same spot over and over and over again. Shouldn't you only feel the initial sting?
I was driving on my way to lunch, a car full of coworkers, when I glanced down at the phone. I have to say it robbed me of my breath for a moment. Stole the air from my lungs and actually made me wonder if it was possible to drown on dry land. Did you know that most children drown within 25 yards of their parents? Because we've all been trained by the movies what to look for but “drowning is not the violent, splashing, call for help that most people expect.” The body is so focused on breathing, it can't talk.
My co-worker starred at me quizzically. I had missed a question. I dragged the air back into my lungs and laughed. "Sorry," I say and shrug. "Plans for the weekend," they ask again. It's not unusual in this day of Blackberries and iPhones, to have to repeat the same question, conversation, thought over and over again. No one pays attention anymore. I answer but I could have been telling her my plans were to build a giant superdome in the backyard and name myself queen for all the attention I paid to the answer.
Instead my thoughts were on the text. One I received in error, one I should never have seen. I forwarded it back to the person who had sent it and the person it was from. Closed my phone and went to lunch and tried to forget. Went back to work and tried to forget. Arrived home, poured myself a drink, collapsed boneless into my chair and tried to justify. They didn't mean it that way. It's not the way it sounds.
But it is and I know it is.
What do I do with the information? Do I throw away a 20 year friendship based on some thoughtless words written in the language of today- lmfao? Can I pretend what's happening, isn't really happening? Isn't that what I do with my entire life? Fake it to make it. Fine, everything is fine.
I try. I type out an answer after answer on the small stupid keyboard. But each get erased.
I'm not ready to pretend. So I don't answer. I can't say the words I want.
I can't be shallow with you. I can't be shallow and superficial in this friendship.
Those are the words I want to write.
I know the hurt will go away and I'll forgive. At least I hope so.